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Arsinos News
A place for all map game news and events. Like in the old wiki. Add latest news to the newest section of the page at the top Road to Paramoria *Dog Bollian fleets return to Dog Bollock in order for King Masher to control his growing addiction to pirate urine. *Kaneland begins to enrich uranium at Kanyewestville for peaceful atomic energy purposes. Due to the piracy activity in the green sea Kaneland is struggling to import enough energy. *Kaneland Daily News brings you some breaking news about the Shrewsbury occupation . *The pirates piss themselves laughing which is slightly ironic since that is what the bottle contained. *A bottle is found floating in the ocean with a message to the pirates inside 'SEND MORE OF THAT DELICIOUS WHISKEY PLEASE.' *Several pirate ships are destroyed after attempting to bring the giant scones on board. Pirates are warned not to trust any pastries they find floating on the sea. The pirate leader sends a bottle of Jack Danials to Dog Bollock but it seems to be filled with a yellow liquid. *In response to the increasing piracy, King Masher begins laying select areas of the Green Sea with mines cunningly disguised as scones, each with a sign reading 'DELICIOUS SCONES BITCH!!!' on top. Any pirate ships that sail close to the Dog Bollian fleet are boarded by the Steel Tide and dismantled. Lornonia becomes an empty patch of desert as all biomass is finally stripped, another sign attached into the dirt, reading 'Whoever wants this land can have it for a bottle of Jack Daniels.' *Kaneland military forms defensive positions against possible Stahl invasion. *The pirates say King masher had better hand over his scones and herbal tea or else he will walk the plank when they get hold of him. Also the pirates say Hisenburg should keep his hands off our crops or else he will be taking a swim to see Davy Jones. *The Stahl Empire begins massing forces on the border with Kaneland whilst the 1st fleet is send to circle and blockade the holiday island cause Kane is so damn annoying. *Heisenberg has been killing off pirates as they have been viewed as a threat to his burgeoning drug empire. *In response to the increasing amounts of piracy, the Dog Bollock military fleet already stationed in the Green Sea begins hunting down pirates and presenting them an offer - join King Masher's fleet and get free herbal tea and scones for life, or be destroyed. *Kaneland lauches a satellite that allows radio listners to tune into Kane News Corp from anywhere in the world. *The pirates are turning to teh drug trade and have established a small foothold in teh DPRSJ due to its large drug plantations and lax laws on drug use. *Stahl 1st Fleet leaves Xehopi and returns to Reichendorf. *Crystal meth is increasingly becoming a problem in Al Falafel, with many of the recent Kanish immigrants becoming addicted. A man supposedly named "Heisenberg" is apparently behind it, but nobody really knows who he is. *Pirate activity is increasing in the green sea. The pirates claim to be after booty. *Stahl troops sighted throwing explosives into river in effort to collapse tunnels used to supply weapons to the terrorists. *Kaneland loyalists in occupied Kaneland are using tunnels to get weapons from north kaneland to the kaneland Liberation Front. Meanwhile Kane is safe on the holiday island enjoying a relaxing vacation and regularly going on safari to hunt the islands native hippy population. *The Stahl Empire increasing funding for the reconstruction of Kanesville and other war damaged areas in what is now northern Stahl. Meanwhile incentives are being offered for any information on members of the Kaneland Liberation front. *Dog Bollock 's naval fleet sets sail to the Green Sea where they dock on the coast of Lornonian. A 'clean up' operation of the Steel Tide's harvest from earlier begins, as any survivors are quickly wiped out and additional signs of life put down. The cities are stripped down and all parts returned to the fleet, to be transported back to Dog Bollock. King Masher himself is reportedly leading the operation, sitting on his flagship and drinking herbal tea. *Fozamor becomes a protectorate of Lexilo. USS Sparta moved to new post in Levingstone. Lexilo begins construction of military facilities on Fozamor. Including a new naval yard, air base and 2 military bases. All of which will be jointly administrated by Fozamor and Lexilo. *Doubts are being raised about the true whereabouts of Kane after the Kane in Stahl custody is discovered to posess an afro hidden underneath a bald cap . This coincides with a mysterious hooded stranger arriving on the holiday island and picking up a missile shaped package from the post office before inserting some glowing substance into it form a briefcase. *The Stahl 1st fleet is deployed to Xehopi on a state visit while the 2nd fleet is deployed in the Green sea to act a deterrant to recent pirate activity in the area. *It is not very clear who is in charge of kaneland and the situation is anarchy. *Other countries pull out of kaneland and start accepting refugees. *the stahl Empire claims southern Kaneland. This triggers a terrorist uprising and the formation of the Kaneland Liberation Front. *The warhead is on route to Bananalon under heavy guard. *Kane comes out of the bunker to help with the the cleanup effort but is captured by the Stahl Empire and taken away. *Kane removes removes the warhead from the missile and instead sends gift baskets towards the Stahl Empire in the hope that it will end the attack. *Kane recovers quicly but is acting strangely. Kane is talking about elections, human rights and democracy (words which were banned by censors for years). *With Kane nolonger leading the defence of kanesville collapses as the Stahl Empire presses forward. *The Kane the beloved leader of Kaneland has been injured and the nation holds its collective breath. *The Stahl Imperial Army begin advancing on Kanesville aiming to clear the city building by building and street by street the process shall be slow high casualties are expected for Kane forces as Imperial troops are eager for revenge after the toastervision hostage crisis. The Imperial airforce continue to soften up targets for the army with the use of Napalm bombs being authorised to start fires well ahead of the advancing army. *Dog Bollock slaves have been spotted moving into their new ground, formerly Pullonia, and stripping down the old city of Ryan to use as parts for more aircraft carriers and bases. Closer to Pleasure Town, enormous heat signature spikes can be detected near King Masher's palace. He's clearly up to something. Meanwhile, a small boat arrives on the shores of Fozamor with no crew, a bottle of whiskey tied to the hull and a poorly drawn note saying 'Lol.' *Elton John is thankful to the Stahl Empire and to Lexilo, saying that he will make it easy for the two countries to do buisiness in Fozamor and that they may build military bases there in the future *AAC lauches an attempt at claiming the unclaimed island separating the Fozamese channel. As does Stahl Empire. **All forces deployed on unclaimed land are sucked into the universes cerebral cortex and smushed into nothingness. A booming voice resonates throughout the land "You do not have enough badges to claim me!" **AAC launches missiles to attack the universes cerebral cortex. Fuck you. *After some deliberation over tea and scones, King Masher decides to withdraw the Steel Tide from Fozamor following threats of war. All forces return to the borders of Dog Bollock. There, the King begins using the recycled biomass from Lornonia and Pullonia to enlarge his army and, no doubt, begins forming some other fiendish plan for the future... *AAC dislikes the amount of attention given to the Fozamor/Dog Bollock issue, stating that time and forces would be better served in Kaneland. *Lexilo delivers an ultimatum to Dog Bollock that they either withdraw from Fozamor immediately or we will declare war. *Lexilo accepts Fozamor's pleas for assistance and sends a task force along side the Stahl Empire to help relieve the situation. Takei increases military spending and calls for a mobilisation of Lexilo's armed forces. Construction projects (excluding the carrier) are paused. *A few days into the crisis the terrorists get really angry with coldplays attempts to fix Chris Martin and doubting the possibility of their demands getting met the terrorists kill the remaining hostages and attempt to fight their way past security forces getting killed in the process. *Grainy images taken from a satellite show a suspected nuclear weapons test over Kaneland. Meanwhile Kaneland News corp says the Stahl empire's demise is close at hand. and soon all nations will tremble in fear at the might of Kane. *After being rebooted and fitted quickly with thicker cores, and mobile tesla cores placed to absorb electric pulses, the Steel Tide returns to Fozamor having adapted to the effects of EMP (though not 100% effective). Rising from the sea and moving inland, they plod into Levingstone and it's surrounding areas, royally fucking everyone's day up. The naval blockade shifts to meet the Stahl fleet as it sails to the Fozamese channel. *AAC brings more forces from the mainland into the Kaneland attack, with the navy now heading there, along with Iron Man, bringing AAC's air force, ready to bomb the fuck out of Kanesville. *The Stahl 2nd fleet takes over the occupation of the island off the coast of Kaneland allowing the 1st fleet led by the SMS Stahlberg to be redeployed to the Fozamese channel. *King Masher, furious at Elton John, counters his appeal with the following statement, 'OR, you could leave us all alone and maybe EVEN get the ol' Steel Tide to help with UN business once their done here? Like helping sort out that pesky ol' Kane bloke who's been giving ya' problems I hear, no?!'. Meanwhile, Dog Bollian forces lessen their attack and a full naval blockade of the country is ordered, with Bill acting as the flagship. Smaller vessels are used as cannon fodder to protect Bill. The bombardment continues. The Steel Tide remains undeployed, as a deterrent against EMP has not been found yet. **Elton John is the leader of Fozamor, not of a third party to the conflict. **King Masher stops being a moron and retracts his statement, instead saying 'Oh fuck it. Bombs away, Dog Bollians!' *Elton John appeals to other nations for assistance against Dog Bollock aggression saying it is willing to become a protectorate, in the meantime he directs the entire navy to focus on sinking carrier Bill *King Masher also extends its borders over the dead Pullonia and takes the entire country as it's own land, using it to keep the majority of its army and more criminally insane citizens in. *King Masher of Dog Bollock anchors Bill, the aircraft carrier, in the Fozamese Channel and begins pounding the city of Levingstone with missiles. The Steel Tide is also seen rising from the sea and moving into the city, exterminating anyone in their slow moving path before they can say 'bugger'. An invasion, and then a full harvest, of Fozamor seems to be underway. **Fozamese forces use EMP technology to disrupt the Steel Tide. Elton John has gone into hiding. **The Tide retreats, whilst Dog Bollian scientists hastily search for a deterrent against EMP. In their stead, far less reliable human soldiers begin an air bombardment of the countries cities. Thrash Metal is played from the aircraft carrier at full volume, and can be heard as far as AAC. Masher releases the following statement to Elton John, 'OI MATE, FANCY A PINT, YA SLIMY GIT?! TROLOLOL!' *Stahlion forces follow river upstream to Kanesville, Lupinis forces may navigate to the other land entrance of the city though they await joint Lupinis/Novak reinforcements as the parliment mandates black to send forces as the public erupt in anger. AAC led counterattack makes gains but has no clear frontline in south DPRSJ *The Salopian Civil War ends with an imperial victory as communists are pushed into hiding, some in Lupaia *Kaneland special forces in Bananalon are killed by the Banana tree which defends itself by impaling people with bananas. Gordon Ramsey narrowly avoids implaemnt as UN forces arrive to liberate Bananalon. *There appears to be a major diplomatic negotaition taking place to end the Kaneland vs teh world conflict. *Kane would like to point out that you sent your airforce to attack Kanesville. *Bismarck would like to point out that Stahl has an aircraft carrier we know that education in Kaneland is shit but we never realised it was that bad. *Kaneland miliatry planners are confused by the Stahl empires attempt to defend Bananalon an inland territory using their navy. They suspect that they are still high from their occupation of DPRSJ. Meanwhile Kaneland special forces have surrounded the bananna tree but are having trouble setting fire to it as the tree is emitting posiive vibes. *Kaneland citizens are encouraged to create Imporvisd explosive devices along roadsides to slow the advance of the agressors. *Photoshopped pornographic material of Kane with sheep and children (and baby sheep) is being shown as anti-Kane propaganda. The real stuff probably exists, but we cba to go look for it. *Kaneland News corp reports that much of Kaneland is damaged due to the aggressive imperialists and their UN puppets but that the resolve of the people and their faith in Kane has never been stronger. *The ABU and City Of Paramoria council offer a statement: **"In response to the attacks and the Toastervision hostage crisis, ABU & the city of Paramoria offer their condolences to anyone who has been injured or has lost someone in the explosions, and vow to work with the United Nations on retrieving Coldplay from Kaneland and restoring the venue. There may be a short delay with the Toastervision 11 to accomodate this. We would disqualify Kaneland from the competition, but we figure an embarrassing defeat would be much more damaging to their reputation." *In response to the continued aggresion by the expansionalist Stahl Empire the Toastervison terrorists execute one of the coldplay members as shown by this horrifying image released on social media the leader of the terrorists states that only a complete withdrawal of hostile forces from Kaneland will ensure the remaining hostages make it back with their heads still attached. *In light of recent events Kaneland Education board has removed the word surrender form the dictionary. Surrender is the word of the enemy and when you speak it you advance their cause. People caught talking about surrender are to be shot on sight. *The Stahl Empire redirects the SMS Stahlberg and 1st fleet to assist in defending Bananalon meanwhile the airforce assisted by the 2nd fleet continue to capture sites in Kanesville while the army pushes north from the border. *Novak mobilises forces and draws down some of the forces involved in the occupation of Shrewsbury to assist in the Coalition of Abel as Ramsay has dubbed it *The Stahl Empire demands that Coldplay be returned to the toastervision unharmed. *In other news Kaneland terrorists have assalted Parramoria and are rumored to have taken the coldplay team hostge after shouts were heard that "We're going fix you till you bleed". It is currently suspected that teh terrorists were part of the Kaneland forces within the multinational UN taskforce protecting the Toastervision song contest. Toastervision hostage crisis *Kaneland News corp: The forces of enemy are at the gates. Kane expects every man, woman, child and dog to do their duty and protect the motherland. kaneland forces have carried out a special opperation being carried out in Bananalon to sieze control of the banana tree on the hill that seems to have such importance in determining wold events. Kane orders its destruction by fire unless all hostile nations withdraw immediatley from Kaneland. kanelands scientific advisor has suggetsed that damaging the banana tree could result in awsome consequences for the whole map. *Chef Gordon Ramsay, interim UN leader suspends Kaneland from the UN for violating the WMD prohibition. He says he is gathering more mercinaries and is considering withdrawing forces from salopia to deal with the WMD crisis. Ramsay also criticised various UN members for not supporting UN operations directly. *President Rebecca Black condemns Kanes WMD ambitions saying it would have been possible to come to an agreement without taking this extreme step *Lexilolian President George Takei releases a statement regarding recent events in Kaneland "Oh my!". However annouces Lexilo wlill not be getting involved in military action for either side. *The Stahl Empire commits the bulk of its airforce to disrupting WMD construction in Kanesville and sends all available paratroopers to capture and defend WMD construction sites with the aim of supplying them by air untill the Imperial army arrives from the south. *kane is furious at the turncoat Stahl Empire and vows to impale emperor bismark on his own pointy helmet. To counter this attack Kane orders the creation of WMDs Chemical and Nuclear. Kanesville is converted into a fortress city to give scientists long enough time to develop the superweapons neccessary to reduce the Stahl empire to dust. There are several suicide bomber attacks within the Stahl empire by Kaneland infiltrators aimed primarily at the civilain population to demoralise the population. *King Masher withdraws the Steel Tide from Lornonia, having harvested all available biomass from the entire country. Without any proper defense the land has, like Pullonia, been reduce to a desolate graveyard. King Masher apparently left a small sign in each country that reads 'nicked ur biomass, u wernt using it, kthxbai'. All the King's robotic forces return to Dog Bollock . *A UN investigator has found out that one of the nicknames of musical phenomenon, Toastervision entrant and UNEC favourite Hayley Williams is nicknamed 'Hbomb'. He says this is suspicious and she may be a violation of internetional law - the UN should therefore inspect her. *Emperor Bismarck announces plans to withdraw support for the salopian empire in the civil war and will instead send any suppiles not needed in the invasion of Kaneland to supoprt the UN peacekeepers. *The Stahl Empire withdraws all troops from DPRSJ and no longer supports the invasion. *The Stahl Empire launches a surprise invasion of Kaneland with the intial aim of advancing as far the river. The 1st fleet equipped with the brand new SMS Stahlberg launch an amphibious attack on the large island of the coast of mainland Kaneland. The empire fears that Kane is to unpredictable and is a threat that cannot be ignored. *VOTE. *Ceasefire in Salopia! The incompitent and corruptable task force of the UN, largely made up of mercinaries has finally arrived at Telford. The Imperials drove the communists out of the town centre and the Peacekeepers have ordered a ceasefire, the buffer zone is a little to the north of and a little to the south of the M54, they are patrolling various areas and trying to establish contacts with the leaderships of both sides *Kaneland intelligence service reports that Tarvuism may be some sort of cult and poses a danger to the Kaneland. All chabernackles in Kaneland have been burned down while internal security officers hunt fugitive Tarvuists. kaneland news corp reports that "being nice" is a guaranteed route to violent revolution and only a strong leadr like Kane can hope to hold the country together in this difficult time. *More than a third of countries have voted in TV11. In the meantime the UN is having logistical difficulties in deploying peacekeepers to Telford where the imperials are gaining the upper hand after a long stalemate and appeals to member states to assist the peacekeeping efforts. It is expected to send paratroopers once the rock lobster airfield is complete, setting up temporary logistical base camps in the remote areas of the desert of sharks near bananalon. *Only 13 hours after the playlist went live, we are already beginning to recieve votes. Keep 'em coming guys. *Toastervision 11 playlist officially goes live. Follow the link to the toastervision page to access and for more information. The city of Paramoria in conjunction with the ABU has set the official voting deadline as Tuesday 1st October 2013. *Tarvuism takes the world by storm! Visit your local chabernacle today! *'THE FINAL TOASTERVISION ENTRY HAS BEEN SUBMITTED. HAYLEY WILLIAMS INTERNATIONAL AIRPORT IS COMPLETE. STAND BY. IT IS BEGINNING.' *AAC forces in telford launch a guerrilla attack in Ironbridge, startling many SE forces. *Update from Salopia: while both sides are facing some amount of war fatigue, order is largely restored in east shropshire with the exception of Telford. The Empires first airbase near Bridgenorth has helped to repel communist advances. The situation is still a stalemate in many senses but the Communists in Telford now have the disadvantage of being isolated and limited in certain supplies **The imperials launch a bombing run to dislodge the rebels defensive positions around ironbridge allowing imperial forces to cross the river and begin an assault on Telford *Having apparently made no effort to defend itself, the Steel Tide finishes harvesting Pullonia for its biomass and withdraws back to Dog Bollock 's borders to deliver its pillage, leaving Pullonia as a desolate, empty wasteland. Sucks to be you, Ryan. The harvest of Lornonian continues. *AAC and SE come to a deal in which both countries promise to keep forces out of each others countries. However, both are on opposing sides of wars in DPRSJ and SRES, so conflict is still inevitable. *'EVERYONE WOULD BE FAR MORE EXCITED ABOUT PARAMORIA 2013 IF EVERYONE HAD ACTUALLY ENTERED THEIR GODDAMN SONGS. ' *Novak proposes the UNEC in the General Assembly and puts up its candidate Patrice Wilson who is also receiving support from Lupinis. *'Everyone is excited '''for the upcoming Toastervision_11 in Paramoria! The first banana * kaneland technitians report that a cyber attack has effected the world news pages causing some wierd bullet point thing to happen. * AAC apologises for breaking the recent news wiki page and asks if anyone knows how to fix it? * Kane orders every partiotic citizen to join the home defence force to repel the communist invaders. Kaneland reserve forces destroy roads and railways leading into Kaneland from Lupinis to delay their advance while the Kaneland army continue to assault the DPRSJ. There are no roads or railways connecting the two, only open desert and a river stands between them and Kanesville kanesville resevists build decoy roads that will lead the Lupinis army round in circles. Kaneland secret services report that Emperor Bismark of the Stahl Empire seems to be suffering from hipocracy in that opposing an invasion of the DPRSJ while taking part in the invasion and then demanding territory to stop the attack and asking if Kane has honour. Kane hopes that the dear emperor bismark recovers from this unfortuante ilness and rejoins the assault on the DPRSJ to defeat the communist meance which if allowed to grow unchecked will consume the world. Going back on his promise to AAC, King Masher reassumes control of the Steel Tide defense stationed at DPRSJ and instead sends them to bolster his forces currently harvesting Pullonia and Lornonian. Lupinis launches a direct invasion of Kaneland marching on Kanesville in a hope to force a withdrawal of Kanish forces from their fellow communist DPRSJ In DPRSJ itself Kanish forces manage to cross the desert to meet DPRSJ forces in battle west of the river Aiiight *The DPRSJ begins sending large forces of Jedi warriors to begin attack the northern border of Kaneland. Many DPRSJ residents have been told to stay cautious and are prohibited in leaving their houses unless on the necessary grounds. Stalin Dogg stated "The blood that will be spilt will not be in vain. Our great nation of different stripes, religons, ideas and expressions will not fall to Kane. We have built so much, we will not lose it to terror". The DPRSJ begins sending large forces of Jedi warriors to begin attack the northern border of Kaneland. Many DPRSJ residents have been told to stay cautious and are prohibited in leaving their houses unless on the necessary grounds. Stalin Dogg stated "The blood that will be spilt will not be in vain. Our great nation of different stripes, religons, ideas and expressions will not fall to Kane. We have built so much, we will not lose it to terror". Seeking even more pillage to build with, Dog Bollock sends part of the Steel Tide to Pullonia and begins harvesting it's wildlife, materials and biomass. The King will use the goods aquired to build even moar bases and robotic armies! AAC uses soldiers stationed at the DPRSJ military base to attack Kanish forces. AAC also declares its support for Novaks occupation of Shrewsbury and reaffirms its support for Telford communists. AAC also takes back The Steel Tide and station it currently in DPRSJ ready to fuck up Kane. AAC also declares its support for Dog Bollocks invasion of Pullenonia, citing that Pullenonia is a bit of a prick. Nice. Equal split of the pillage, says King Masher . * Dog Bollock invades Pullenonia in order to pillage the country for materials to build a better army, and military bases. Fuck trading. The Stahl Empire offers to cease hostilities with DPRSJ in return for possession of the island currently being occupied by Stahl Forces. The empire is also willing to side with DPRSJ and will invade Kaneland if Kaneland does not cease its unprovoked traiterous attack something the Stahl people deem to be unacceptable. Does Kane have no honor? AAC: Have you met Kane? Of course he doesn't. ** Lupinis begins supplying DPRSJ in its defensive war ** The Stahl State museum in Stahlberg recieves a new historic artifact details on what this artifact is are unknown but it was immediately taken to the museums vault and will not be put on public display. ** King Masher of Dog Bollock refuses to take his army back from AAC without them having spilt blood first! 'I've held up my side of the bargain, you best deliver yours or they'll turn on you!'. ** Kaneland suggests that it is highly suspicious that Novak which is occupying Shrewsbury would want the war to be put on hold. Kane suggests that you just want more time to dig in. ** Kaneland uses fire bombs on DPRSJ weed/cannabis/opium plantations. Without drugs the DPRSJ army will go into withdrawal symptoms and collapse. ** Novak is suggesting that "The UN should step in to negotiate the Stahl Empire vs DPRSJ/Kaneland/AAC situation" law that was passed in the UN should be followed and that all sides must negotiate, suggesting Bananalon as the place to discuss **The Stahl empire sends the 2nd fleet to launch an invasion on the island owned by DPRSJ. **AAC on Kaneleands betrayal: Lol. **The DPRSJ has began military strikes on Kaneland's capital which hopes to drive forces out of the southern territory. Stallin Dogg recently stated "Kane has decided to meddle with the wrong people. The people of the DPRSJ will not bow down, will not give up our values and will not be ruled by the imperalists and their fake ideologies of greed and mallice". The strikes plan to go on for seven days until forces withdraw from their area. ***What kind of military strikes? How is that even possible from the DPRSJ? **Kaneland Breaks off alliance with AAC and DPRSJ to join the Stahl Empire+Salopian Empire alliance. Kaneland miliatry assaults DPRSJ from the south supported by the Shropshire Fascists based in Kaneland. kane intends to wipe out communism form the map and establish a fascist state (New Salopia) on what is now DPRSJ. **AAC launches an enquiry into why Kanye West was working with Shaderia on finding the table when it clearly says on our wiki page that he's an AAC citizen. We accuse him of high treason and sentence him to a lifetime spent on land with no contact of the sea. **'TOASTERVISION DEADLINE BROUGHT FORWARD TO MIDNIGHT THURSDAY 19TH SEPTEMBER. DALANIA, YOU ARE THE ONLY COUNTRY NOT TO HAVE SENT IN YOUR ENTRY YET. YOU HAVE BEEN NAMED AND SHAMED. ' **AAC mostly retreats from Salopia. The Steel Tide are returned to King Masher. The naval fleets have returned to the Wharrgarbl sea where they will remain, just off the coast of Fort Vegasopolis. A small number of troops are kept as peacekeepers in Telford. The triangle of unclaimed land has ben divided up, half goes to Novak and AAC keeps the other half as a useful base incase shit kicks off again. **The Devilish Rogue places a flaming bag of dog poo on Buffy's doorstep on orders from Solomon. That'll teach the AAC to mess with us. **Kanye West sent to retrieve the table from the bottom of the ocean. ***Kanye gets distracted by fish gay bars and forgets his mission. God dammit Kanye. **** Submarine searches come up with nothing. The table could be anywhere in the ocean by now. **You Maniacs! You blew it up! Ah, damn you! God damn you all to hellllllll!" - King Solomon **In light of recent events the Stahl Empire orders all military units to return to Stahl. **Off the coast of Bridgnorth the ship CARRYING THE TABLE explodes into a ball of flames the exact cause of the explosion remains unclear but it is certain the table is no more. ***The table has survived much worse, I'm sure it must be under the sea somewhere **King Masher accepts AAC's request for use of The Steel Tide and hands over control of a large airbourne and naval division to assist in his war. With it comes an AI relay ship that AAC must use to control the army. Don't let it get destroyed... shit will hit the fan! In return, King Masher demands lots of photographs of the war so he can use it as propaganda to control his chaotic citizens. **AAC asks Dog Bollock's Steel Tide for help in their time of need. **King Masher has also released the following statement - 'Dog Bollock is still it's own independent country and Pullenonia can go fuck itself with a rake invested with anthrax.' **After an unknown group of citizens from Dog Bollock are exterminated by the King's army for threatening to leave the country and spread chaos with several jars of Anthrax and what they claimed to be a device capable of creating a black hole, King Masher has begun building a large wall around his country to 'keep the wankers in'. Those wishing to enter the borders of Dog Bollock must be armed at all times for their own saftey. **kane would just like to remind people that if the table had been donated to the firewood for orphans charity then this confilict could have been avoided. But noooo people just had to be selfish. **The Stahl Empire mobilizes every warship available to the naval battle with AAC of the coast of Bridgnorth and orders have been given to destroy the ship and the table if the battle turns against the empire. **Hundreds of Tables have appeared at the Kanesville Bazarr and are said to have magical properties ranging from increasing authritar to curing HIV. Panic buying has gripped citizens as they open their wallets to buy their piece of the magic. **AAC responds to Stahls threat by mounting a full on naval attack. We strive to take the table. At no point must it fall into Shaderian or Stahl hands. **The Stahl Empire threatens to destroy the ship carrying the table should its naval fleets be attacked by either DPRSJ or the AAC. **DPRSJ naval fleets descend on The Green Sea. **Novak completes covert occupation of Shrewsbury under the pretense of 'peacekeeping' under the cunning guidance of Rebecca Black. The statue has been replaced with one of her and novak flags were raised at the climax of the song 'my moment' **All Stahl Forces in Salopia will retreat with the table escorting it to the Isle of Stahl. **The Selchen Marines of Shaderia are descending from the mountains and heading towards Bridgnorth. The Shaderian and Stahl Empire naval fleets will be waiting, hoping to take the table and store it on the Isle of Stahl. This is to ensure its safety and prevent it from being in AAC hands. **Kane News Corp wishes to thank AAC for pointing out the error in the recent article about the Shropshire Fachist Party being misspelled and would like to inform you that the intern who made the mistake has now lost both his hands in accordance with the workplace motivational policy. To report any errors in the future please click here! **George Takei voted Lexilo's new president. Lexilo's policies move to the left **Stahl Imperial Marines begin to bunker down in Bridgnorth in preparation for AAC attempts to stop the table being evacuated to Shaderia. **Novak proposes that after the war dies down a summit over ownership of the triangle takes place in Lotiripol **The Stahl Empire's second fleet currently located in Bridgnorth's port prepares to join up with the first fleet sailing from Reichendorf to take on the AACs fleet allowing Shaderia to escape with the table by sea from the east. **With Salopian consent, Novak peacekeepers occupy Shrewsbury and begin digging in, some elements of Novak institutions will be present. **AAC enters the Salopian war over concerns about Shaderias actions involving the table. Shaderia marches into Much Wenlock and takes the table, holding it in the Wenlock Edge mountains under the control (somewhat bizzarely) of a disabled orphan child, whose parents were supposedly killed during the ongoing conflict. AAC stations troops in three different positions, in the mountains on SE's south border with DPRSJ, a much larger force containing heavy artillery in the triangle of unclaimed land in the east (bordering Novak) and a reasonable size force in Telford, which will serve to equally block of Shaderia's escape routes with the table and help the communist forces against the oppresive SE regime. AAC also positions two large naval fleets, one just off the coast of the Socialist Republic Of East Shropshire, and one guarding the Wharrgarbl sea just off AAC's own coast to intercept any planned Shaderian escape routes with the table. **The Stahl empire decides that its troops and fleet in the Salopian Empire will remain in Bridgnorth in order to keep this vital port on the east open. **'SEND IN YR TOASTERVISION ENTRIES PLS.' **AAC publicly speak out against the Shropshire Fachists Party: "A fascist party that cannot spell 'fascist' cannot be trusted". **The Stahl Empire agrees that a road between these cities and a free trade agreement are in the interests of both the Stahl Empire and Lexilo. **Lexilo suggests to the Stahl Empire that building a new city so close to our border would provide the perfect excuse to build a road connecting Vettin to Rio. We are also willing to discuss a free trade agreement. **Kaneland military advisors pull out of bridgenorth due to facing overwhelming odds via an airlift after evacuating the leaders of the Shropshire Fachists Party to form a government in exile. Many valuable items from the Bridgenorth national museum and gold bullion from the central bank were also evacuated to "protect them from looters and to hold them in trust for the people of Salopia until their rightfull government can be restored" source: Kaneland News corp. **In an effort to boost the economy in the Stahl Empire and maintain growth. Emperor Bismarck announces the construction of a new city called Vettin to be located on the coast near the border with Lexilo connected to Atzenberg by road. **In response to Salopian Civil War after much debate in congress. Both Lexilo's Senate and House of Representatives vote against possible intervention either militarily or diplomatically. Delegating a resolution to the crisis to the UN for a balanced and impartial internationally sought solution. **The Stahl Empire sends a naval fleet to begin bombardment of communist held areas in Salopia, with plans being drawn up for an amphibious assault on Bridgnorth to support the Salopian empire. **Socialist Republic of East Shropshire declares independence though this does not seem to affect the istuation on the ground. A stalemate between Imperial and Communist forces persists over the Ironbridge. ***Meanwhile In bridgenorth the Imperial forces have taken over half of the city, Communist forces arrive and take parts of the east while a small Kane-backed pocket of faschists exists on the south coast. **Kaneland attempts to colonise the large purple island in the green sea that appears to not belong to anyone. When a young officer asked what to do incase human settlements were detected commander Kane stated the time tested Kaneland military docterine of shoot first and ask questions later. The officer who asked the question was relived from duty after being shot. ***What will Kaneland name this island? ***The island will be known as Kanes holiday island and will be devoped into a massive theme park/penal colony/ holiday island/ reeducaation centre/ nuclear waste storage site. **Kane Industries launches a new wallpaper bearing the image of Kane so you can sleep with Kane watching over you. More Kane merchandise to follow says spokesman. **Airship is downed near Isimzia because the large marine mammal it was transporting was overweight. A camera capturing the footage also captures exclamation of "Oh, the huge manatee!" **Buffy The Vampire Slayer has been elected president of AAC in response to the public's constant fear of creatures of the night. **Toastervision 11 has been confirmed to take place in the Cherry Waves Inc. Arena, the largest open air music venue in the world, in Paramoria, on the west coast of AAC. **'A deadline has official been set for entries for Toastervision 11. Wednesday 18/9/13 is the deadline for entering, and Saturday 21/9/13 is the deadline for sending in songs. AAC's entertainment division hopes to have the youtube playlist live by next Monday.' **Jeremy Kyle brought in to help solve differences between the TCP and the rest of the SE. **The Salopian Empire are to set up a quarantine of all supplies passing from DPRSJ to Telford, any attempt to cross this quarantine will be met with a full retaliatory response! Negotiations continue between SE government and Telford communist party. **In an effort to improve the quality of the population Kane has introduced the danceof fwhere every one in kaneland is required to dance and the forst 50,000 people to stop dancing are shot. Kane hopes to make the danceoff and annual event that the whole family can enjoy. **The Stahl Empire declares DPRSJ's latest actions to be illegal and against the law. Any foreign interference in the Salopian Empire should either be requested by the Salopian empire itself or should be as a result of a UN resolution. The Stahl Empire will respond with military force if nessasary to protect it's ally. **The DPRSJ has ultimatly decided after long hours of inner negotiations to provide the Telford communist party with military support in the form of arms although the option of sending troops to the region is still being decided. The motion was passed in the DPRSJ parlliment today with a comfortable majority despite opposition from the New Radical Party. Stallin Dogg addressed his communist counterparts in Telford by stating "Do not fear fellow comrades. Your fight against oppression and corruption is the same struggle we have against oppresive nations such as the Stahl Empire and only you can send a signal of defiance to the current world order". **Kane offeres Bridgenorth protectorate status in return for access to dynamite mines essential for project Kane from space. **Kaneland launches navy in a great mission known as Kane from space to take control of the island to the north east of Kaneland with the aim to transform the island into a monument to Kane by using dynamite to create a likeness of Kane that can be seen from space. **The Stahl empire and Landland launch the joint venture company Monarch Industries further increasing ties between these two great nations. **Telford communist party requests help and intervention from other communist countries **Salopian Empire formed from Salopia and Landland. Road construction begins between Sameskai and Shrewsbury. Meanwhile rail construction begins between Polyarnaya Zvezda and Isimzia **Chaos in Salopia as the communists seize Telford, asking for urgent outside assistance, Bridgenorth remains unclear, and Communists hold the north bank of the ironbridge while loyalists hold the south in a bitter standoff. Shropshire county council meanwhile is drawing up plans to reform the Salopian Empire with Landland **At around mid-day local time in Bananalon (LSS+4) a banana fell from the top of the Banana tree on its hill, plummeting onto the cobbles below to form a yellow mush. A booming voice was heard from the tree '"The sun sets to rise again, to know life ye must know death". The first death recorded was by seagul attack on an explorer on the East Faulkland Island. - It is widely beleived this signifies the end of limbo though it appears that this banana fell very much prematurely, parts of the world still exist in limbo where genesis is not complete. There may be other bananas to follow that will change the way the world works. News from limbo ******************In a recent poll 110% of respondants voted Kane pesron of the year. To celebrate the Kanesville city authority will spend 110% of the city budget to build a statue of Kane in his honour. ******************Kane news press release: The recently published images of Kane in a gaybar are confirmed to be a forgery made by superimposing an image of Kane singing at a charity concert. kaneland has never been richer thanks to the wise economic policies of Kane that are lifting billions out of poverty around the world and leading the way to a more prosperous future. Tests indicate that the Develish Rogue may be high and have an affinity for young boys. ******************The Devilish Rogue has taken scandalous pictures of Kane performing karaoke in a Lupinian gay bar. Rumours are starting to spread that Kaneland is low on funds. ******************Residents of disputed Bananalon say there is a banana on the tree of knowledge that is nearly ready to pick ******************A timezone standard is set with the Loveshack, UNAT, being the central standard in the timezone LSS, or LoveShack Standard (LSS+0) with default timezones going from LSS-12 to LSS+12. Fozamor operates in LSS+0, Fusonia in LSS-6. Novak is split into East Novak TIme (LSS+3) and West Novak Time (LSS+2) Map to follow. Disputed region of Bananalon syncs to LSS+4 ******************AAC implores all nations that have not voted or have abstained from voting on the lemon in coke issue immediately vote against. This law if passed would be a ridiculous affront to our civil liberties, all because Shaderia are weird and have lemon in Lemonade, which pretty much everyone agrees is weird. ******************The UN general assembly agrees to claim Tracey island as a UN territory and construct the town of the Loveshack which will serve as a diplomatic hub and host the UNHQ and UN general assembly from now on. ******************'''The Stahl Empire is pleased to see that Kane now sees the danger that is communism, the empire is happy to resume normal relations with Kaneland and looks forward to what the future holds for our two great nations. ******************Kaneland Is worried about the effects of communism on Ka neland culture and is supporting fachists in bridgenorth to liberate Salopia and establish a proud nation of pure blooded Salopians. Kane would like to resume normal relations with the Stahl Empire to help counter the communist threat and is willing to stop arming the Greenpeace activists. What have whales ever done for us anyway ******************Kaneland appoints a new head of the of the families and childrens welfare service. Kane: after seeing this mans work for myself I expect there to be a great improvement in the the quality of childcare in Kaneland ******************The Stahl Empire sends an offer of support to Shrewsbury in the event that those communist pigs attempt to take over the rest of Salopia. ******************Communist reveloution in Telford ******************Novak plans memorial statue to all those we lost in the great nuclear war in the centre of Lotiripol ******************Kaneland executes 100 people who were cheese pressing in secret. kaneland media stats that if other nations took this proactive approach to make an example then cheese pressing could be wiped out within a decade and teh world will be better for it. ******************The DPRSJ has recently heard a claim concerning the pollution caused by cannabis smoke from Kaneland intellgence. Stalin Dogg, in the middle of press conference noted that "These lies that have been recently been perpetrated are a smear campaign set up by the StahlEmpire and we ask Kane to not bow down to Bismack's attempts to destroy the customs and traditions of the DPRSJ people. We firmly claim that this pollution was caused by a StahlEmpire intruder who is willing to cause inner turmoil and frictions between us and Kaneland". More recently, Donald Trump (leader of The New Radicals) stated "The DPRSJ Communist Party is leading this nation to a dark and deadly decline, and it's unrelentless, unregulated cannabis smoking is something we deplore entilerly". The New Radicals are organising protests near the Communist Party headquaters with hopes of regulating the canbbis problem whilst also stopping what it calls "war propoganda". ******************In light of a recent resolution the Stahl Empire has decided to suspend the executions of greenpeace prisonors. The empire would like to point out that these terrorists are not citizens of the empire and crossed into Stahl mainly from Kaneland, we did not go looking for this fight. ******************The DPRSJ leader Stalin Dogg speaking on the current Greenpeace situation has said "The aggression of Bismarck should be denounced by any sane government and it's supporters should be liberated. Whilst we will not show aggression this time ,we are willing to accept any Greenpeace refugees who will be given the means to shelter from these acts of abomination". Meanwhile the opposition leader Donald Trump of the New Radicals Party stated, "We agree with the current policy of the Stahl Empire as it's aims are only of self determination against tyranny and we will oppose the current government in it's aiding of these terrorists". ******************Greenpeace declared terrorists by Stahl empire, all supporters of this terrorist group in the empire are being rounded up and sent to labour camps on the Isle of Stahl. It is rumored that new whaling harpoon designs are being tested on greenpeace protestors in the camps. ******************Emperor Bismarck informs Kane that the empire regards Kaneland as nothing more than a weak puny nation in need of a real leader not some bald terrorist delinquent like Kane. ******************Stahl Empire and Landland form alliance ******************Thousands of Greenpeace protestors are entering the Stahl Empire in response to their unrelenting whaling which is "killing all the whales Man". ******************Kaneland sends a formal message to Emperor bismarck to go and sink himself and suggests the Stahl empire thinks twice before picking on stoned jedi and wasted stoner communists. and would like to remind Emperor Bismark not to underestimate the power of kaneland ******************Kaneland and AAC have formed an alliance and there was much rejocing. ******************Toastervision 11 has officially been announced to take place in AAC. Everyone get your entires in! ******************Emperor Bismarck of the Stahl empire has declared the DPRSJ to be an enemy of the Stahl people. Whilst not going as far as declaring war the emperor delcares that the DPRSJ is a threat to the empires national security and that their actions threaten world security and peace. He finished his speech stating that the Stahl people will never bow to communist pigs. ******************Due to the new development's the proposed miltary installments planned by the DPRSJ, progress has come to a halt due to new legislation. Stallin Dogg, speaking in Ravetown Aiight stated "The progress and constrcition of our great empire is at threat from the imperialists, globalists and capitalist pigs who mostly reside in the Stahl Empire. As it is clear that we may not be able to build our forces now, when we come to fruition the StahlEmpire will fear the great ideals of Lenin and Sen Dog (Cypress Hill Member) who will utilmatly be crushed. DEATH TO IMPERIALISM, DEATH TO THE STAHL EMPIRE!!!". Dogg then finished his speech by lighting up a giant cannabis leaf to the amusement of the crowd. ******************As part of the alliance between Kaneland and DPRSJ military bases have opened to foster greater understanding between our two nations and to enable better military coordination. Kaneland has named its base in DPRSJ Guantanamo and is usue that this arrangement will be benificaial for all involved. ******************In response to the UN prohibition of WMDs Kaneland has increased funding for conventional forces. Kaneland news agency attributes this to an increased likelyhood of war now that the nuclear deterrant has gone. ******************Due to a mutual agreement, the DPRSJ has built a military base in AAC terriotry. The DPRSJ notices that it will be heavily monitored, but welcomes the decision of military cooperation. Stalin Dogg gives permission to the ACC, to build a military base or any weaponary installment in DPRSJ. ******************Oil discovered just west of the falklands, in the deep portas ocean far west of Paramoria, in the disputed territory east of Novak and in the west Portas Ocean east of uninhabitied Trisland. Meanwhile gold has been discovered in south Fusonia and Ingtalian hills near Sameskai ******************Kane is nominated by Kaneland for the Nobel Peace Prize. Kane "It is good to see that my hard work has not gone unrecognised. My first act as a nominee is to ask the Un to send in peacekeepers to Shrewsbury to prevent power abuses thus creatin safe and secure society." ******************Tensions in Salopia as eastern areas such as Telford and Bridgenorth feel as if Shrewsbury has a disproportionate amount of power ******************The DPRSJ has formed the IAMS which will hopefully be a major music hosting platform for all soveirgn nations. The centre was offically opened by Vice President Ganja Putin who stated "shiit man, homies up in here got style son". ******************Alliance formed between Kaneland and The Democratic Peoples Republic of Stoners and Jedi (DPRSJ). There was much rejocing ******************Kaneland scientists have successfully fused a bananna and a dog to create a bananna dog. The bananna dog is now the official mascot of the Kaneland olympic team. Tests are still being carried out to determine if the bananna dog is in fact a bananna bitch but the official Kaneland newsagency states that the sex of the banna dog is not important as long as it tastes of bananna. Scientists in several other countries are asking to see the amazing creature but so far the dog is being kept under guard in Kanes handbag to prevent assassination attempts. ******************The Devilish Rogue has survived Annihilation and is set to sail the Arsinos seas.